America First. Europeans Fight over Second
They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It’s true. You can look it up. It’s probably also true that parody is the cleverest form of ridicule. And when it comes to ridicule, the Europeans are second to none. Well, maybe second to the United States.
Vanity Fair has an article about Europe’s response to Donald J. Trump’s claim of “America First.” OK, they’re admitting “we’re number one, we’re number one,” but individual European countries are clamoring to be “number two.”
By now, we all know that under Donald Trump’s administration, the United States’s guiding principle is going to be “America first”—as the president stressed in his dystopian inauguration speech. The world got the message loud and clear—and now, European countries are beginning to counter with rallying cries of their own.
The trend began with a viral parody video from the Netherlands, courtesy of the news satire show Zondag met Lubach. The clip, a faux introduction to the Netherlands that mocks Trump by imitating the president’s signature verbiage—”We’ve got the best words. All the other languages failed”—has racked up more than 16 million views on YouTube since last week.
The video is available on YouTube, and here for your enjoyment:
It’s even in English, which is the official “America First” language (since America doesn’t have a language of its own). It is cast as an “introduction video,” suggesting that Trump doesn’t know anything about the Netherlands.
It begins by introducing their founder, William of Orange, without overtly pointing out Trump’s skin color. Then points out that the early Dutch fought against the Spanish (“total scumbags. . .total losers. . .they’re all dead now”). Then goes on to claim that Dutch is the best language—Danish is “a total disaster”—and German isn’t even a real language, “it’s a fake language.”
Then, they claim that the Afsluitdijk is “a great, great wall, that we built to protect us from all the water from Mexico. In fact, we built an entire ocean, ok? An entire ocean between us and Mexico. Nobody builds oceans better than we do. . .and we made the Mexicans pay for it. It’s true.” They also claim to have “the best tax evasion system God ever created. It’s unbelievable.”
Now, several other countries have hopped on the bandwagon, all sarcastically clamoring to come in “second” to America’s interests by making their cases in terms Trump can understand.
Deville Late Night, a Swiss late-night talk show, made the case for Switzerland by noting, “We have the best women. They’re all 10s. . . And we also love to treat our women badly. Love it. We didn’t let them vote until 1971. In some places, even until 1990. We grab them by the civil rights. And they let us do it.”
Switzerland is also on YouTube, “welcome to this introduction video to Switzerland.” It claims that Switzerland is the sexiest country in Europe—with huge mountains—they’re not “flat,” like the Netherlands. And all their women are “tens,” including their weather girl, Sandra “Boner.” They describe their flag as “a huge plus” (it’s a white cross on a red field), saying “your friends [the KKK] got their flag from us.” And Switzerland is very safe, “we have no Mexicans here.”
Of course, Switzerland invented Gangsta-Rap. “This is DJ Bobo. He is our best rapper. Much better than Kanye. AND, he’s white.” In a wicked twist, the video says they love gold, just like The Donald. They’ve got tons of it. “The Jews gave it to us for safe-keeping. They never returned, so strange, so we melted it, like fondue.” Switzerland doesn’t even want our money, “because we already have it,” referring to the fact that rich Americans have hid their funds there.
Then, there’s Germany on YouTube.
The host of their satirical show says that the Netherlands actually stole the whole idea from Germany. They have Oktoberfest, “the best beer fest God ever created. There is pee everywhere, you would love it. . .Great pee. Or as we call it in Germany, ‘Bud Light.’” And, of course, they show Adolf Hitler, saying “he made Germany great again. . .Steve Bannon absolutely loves him.”
Of course, Germany “hosted two world wars in the last one hundred years. . .and we won both of them. Bigly. And anyone who says anything else is fake news. Period. . .And we built a great German wall. We just built it. AND, we made the Russians pay for it! It’s true. . .and, by the way, when you push the red button, to destroy Germany, with nuclear weapons, this is how Germany looks like on the map,” showing a map with Italy outlined.
But then, Denmark also claims to be Number Two, on YouTube.
“Forget the Netherlands. They are a disaster, okay? And, Holland, too. Total disaster. . .the Hollandrians tried to tell you that their language is the bestest language. Wrong!” The irony, of course, is that German and Dutch are so close. Remember, after all, that Germany, in German, is “Deutschland.”
Portugal should be even closer to Donald’s heart.
Portuguese late-night talk show 5 Para A Meia-Noite noted, “Our founding father and first king fought his own mother—a total bitch—and kicked the Arabs off what was to become our land. Yeah. He totally kicked them off. The Arabs. We know what you’re thinking: our first king would be a great secretary of defense. He’s dead now. Sad!”
“We were born at 1143, meaning that we’re one of the oldest nations in the world. It’s amazing how old we are. WE should be dating your wife. It’s true. We should.” And, “
we do have your worst nightmare: a black woman as secretary of justice.” And, “seriously, screw the Dutch, they’re more orange than you!”
Belgium was not to be left out. They also want to be second. . .”or whatever, or tenth, we don’t care.”
Belgian satirical news magazine De Ideale Wereld got in on the action by remembering the time Trump called its capital city, Brussels, “a hell hole.”
“This is true; Brussels is a huge hell hole,” the video conceded. “But the rest of Belgium is great. It’s truly great. Believe me. Except for the French-speaking part, of course, because we hate them. They’re like the Mexicans of Belgium.”
“ABBA is the most famous Belgian band in history,” the video continued. “Well, they’re Swedish, but according to alternative facts, they’re Belgian. I swear. Waterloo is in Belgium anyway.”
And. . .Lithuania? They’ll be satisfied with third.
Even Lithuania offered an entry into the canon: Internet channel LaisvesTV posted a Laikykites Ten video talking up everything the small nation has to offer, though it admits Lithuania probably doesn’t deserve second place in Trump’s eyes. Still, that doesn’t mean Lithuania doesn’t have anything to pique Trump’s interest:
“We’ve destroyed that nasty Soviet Union. We destroyed it by building a wall—a wall of people. . . It was a real human wall called the Baltic Way. It was the best wall. Enormous. Even Pink Floyd called and said that our wall was the best. It’s true. That doesn’t mean we don’t have walls now. We have Ten Walls. He is the best electronic DJ in the world. Believe us. He is also the best homophobe. You’d love him. Can you imagine? 10 walls? Not one. Not two. But 10.”
The fun thing about these videos is that there’s almost no duplication, since they really are introducing Trump to their, particular, country. Other countries have done a video, but they’re not as good as the one above. Some didn’t understand the creative concept. The one listed for Mexico is not like the others at all, and just tells Trump he’s not welcome to visit.